Sadness and Hope: Part I
by Queen Su
Summary: What happens to Susan after the Last Battle? She has to make a decision. What will her choice be? Note: Has spiritual content.
1. Susan's Fear

**Susan's Fear**

I awoke to the phone ringing in my ear. "Hello?" I said in a groggy voice.

"Susan! It's Violet. Have you heard the news?" She said.

"No, I was at a party until late. Why? What happened?" I asked.

"Two trains collided at the London train station. I guess thirty people were killed. Isn't that so sad?" She answered.

"What? Do you know which trains?"

"No, I don't know any details. I just heard about it from Hannah. Hey... she mentioned that you were going out with James. You're so lucky! He is drop-dead handsome! Are you still going out with him?"

"Uh…no we broke up. Listen I have to go." I said and then hung up the phone.

I walked over to the radio and switched it on. It seemed like it was taking forever to get to the train accident. Finally, they started talking about the collision.

"Two trains collided at London's main train station earlier this morning. A train arriving from the south of England collided with a train about to pull out for Bristol. Thirty people died and the death toll is still rising. Many other people are injured. Investigators are not sure if it was a scheduling problem or if it was caused by a communication problem. The names of the ones that died have not been released. In other news: the Queen…" The radio announcer said.

I turned the radio off and collapsed into a chair. _Mum and Dad were supposed to be going to Bristol this morning. _I thought. _Are they all right? Did they die? Are they hurt? _I started panicking. _What if they are? What will happen to me? You know what? I'm being silly. Of course they are all right! I bet they will call in a few minuets to say they are fine. _I got up and started getting ready. I was putting on my lipstick when the phone rang again. I ran to pick up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Hey Susan! It's Elisabeth. I know I have not called you for ages, but I just had this feeling that God wanted me to call you this morning. How are you?" Elisabeth said.

"Um…I'm fine, but I'm waiting for a call so can I call you back later?" I replied. I had always felt uncomfortable talking to her because she was 'religious'.

"That's fine. I just wanted to see if you were alright. I'll talk to you later." She answered.

"Bye." I said and quickly hanging up the phone, hoping it would ring the next second. Silence hung in the air. _Come on Mum. Call! _I thought as I headed back to the bathroom to finish my make-up.

Later, I sighed and flopped into my favorite chair with a cup of hot tea. I picked up the romance novel I had just bought and tried to distract myself by reading. After a while I got restless and couldn't concentrate on the story. _I'm not giving in. My mum and dad are fine. They probably can't find a phone. _I told myself as I yawned. I slowly drifted off to sleep.

RRRIINGGG!! I jumped up. Startled from my sleep, I grabbed the phone.

"Hello?" I asked eagerly.

"Hi Su! It's Thomas." He said.

"Hey! How are you?" I asked. _At least my boyfriend cares enough to call! _I thought.

"I'm great! I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight?"

"Uh…let me check my calendar.' I said walking over to the wall, 'Yeah. I'm free tonight."

"Great! I'll pick you up at about seven. Is that Ok?" He asked.

"That's fine. I'll see you then!" I replied with a smile.

As I hung up the phone all my fears came back. They never seemed to be there when I talked to my boyfriends. _Thomas reminds me of how Peter used to be protective of us younger ones. Ever since we had that big fight about God being real or not, we seem to be farther apart_. I remembered. _He asked forgiveness, but I wouldn't accept his apology. I'm going to call him and try to find out about mum and dad. Then I'll ask and see if he will forgive me for being so mean._

I dialed his number and waited. It just kept ringing. Finally, I hung up and decided to call Edmund and see what was up. He didn't answer either.

_I'm not calling Lucy. She'll never forgive me for being so bossy! _I thought._ I'm going crazy over mum and dad. I'll just plead with her and try to talk her into telling me about them. _Dialing the number slowly I tried to figure out what to say. I put the receiver up to my ear and it started ringing. She did not answer. Exasperated, I slammed the phone down.

"Fine! If you want to be that way go ahead and be that way!" I yelled. "If all of you don't care about me fine! I don't care!" Tears started streaming down my face from the feelings that had built up over the years. _Why does everyone in my family hate me? I tried so hard to be a good little daughter and sister. Of course Lucy is always more loving and seems never to get in a fight with mum or Peter. I might have been the prettier one in the family, but Lucy is a goody little two shoes. I've always wanted to be like that. It's not fair that she can be happy all the time even if she's going though a rough time. How can she be like that? _I thought crying until I could cry no more. I was overwhelmed by all the thoughts rushing to my head. I was so exhausted that I laid down in my bed and fell fast asleep.

A knock on the door awoke me. I walked down the hall and glanced at the clock. Seven O'clock. _Oh great! Thomas was supposed to pick me up at seven. _I remembered. I drew back the bolt on my apartment door and opened it.

"Susan. Are you rea…what's the matter?" He asked looking worried, "Are you sick?"

"No. I'm Ok. I have to cancel our date tonight." I said feeling embarrassed that my make-up had smeared and my hair was tangled.

"Why?" He asked again.

"Look at me! Do I look ready to you?" I answered hotly. _Men never understand do they? _

"I'll wait a few minuets if you want get hurry and get ready."

"Thomas. It takes me hours to get ready!" I snapped at him.

"I think you're very pretty even if you are not ready." He comforted.

"I don't care! I will not go out with you anymore. That's final!" I shouted slamming the door on his face.

"Fine! You will never get a date with me again." He yelled back though the door.

_This is just a nightmare. I'm going to wake up any moment. I'll just go to bed and wake up and everything will be fine. _I thought getting ready for bed. I hopped into bed and quickly fell asleep.


	2. Alone

**Alone**

I woke up and threw open the thick curtains that covered my window. _Great. It's not just a nightmare. It's reality. Why did I have to yell at Thomas? Now not only my family, but Thomas hates me! How could I be so stupid? I'm such a failure!_ I thought as I clicked on the radio to hear the latest news on the train crash.

"The train crash that took the lives of fifty people yesterday has devastated many families who lost loved ones. The names of the dead have been released…Monty Addon, Charles Basset, Hayden Char, Beatrice Green, Paula Guild, James Hall, Laura Hall, Irene Harrison, Anne Hartel, Digory Kirk…" The announcer started.

_Was not Professor Kirk's first name Digory?_

"Katherine Magee, Jared Matson, Robert Miles, Finley Mondy, Carol Nathanson, David Pevensie, Helen Pevensie… "

_Mum! Dad! No! No! No! This can't be! _

"Peter Pevensie, Edmund Pevensie, Lucy Pevensie…"

_Not my brothers and sister!_

"Polly Plumber…"

_Polly? Peter mentioned that name. I think she was one of the Narnia freaks._

"Jill Pole, Eustace Scrubb…"

_My cousin and his friend too?_ _This can't be happening! Oh no, no, no! _

Suddenly, I felt really dizzy. I collapsed on the floor unable to move. The only thing I could see was blackness in front of me. I couldn't speak. I felt paralyzed. After a few moments the feeling went away, and I staggered to stand. _I must have fainted. This is not happening! This can't be real! I never asked Peter, Edmund, and Lucy to forgive me! I never got to give mum one last hug. I will never get to talk to dad again. I'll never get to tell Eustace after he changed how sweet he was. I'll never get to tell them all how much I love them. Jill… she was such a nice girl, and I had always wanted to be friends with her. She seemed to be…different. They all seemed to be different. Why? It's not fair that I'm left all alone! Why did this happen? _I cried and cried thoughout the day. I didn't care how I looked anymore. I didn't care if my boyfriend had dumped me the night before. I just wanted my family back.

_I think I'll call my best friend. _I picked the phone up. "Hannah?"

"Susan? Hi." She answered stiffly.

"Um…my mum and dad…"

"Susan. I'm sorry, but I can't be your friend anymore." She interrupted.

"What? Why?"

"I heard about you and Thomas. You were supposed to get me to go out with him. Not you."

"Well I know but he…"

"Good-bye." She said coldy; cutting me off.

"What? My best friend just abandoned me. No, no, no! If God is real he doesn't care about me!" I screamed. "No one does!"

At that moment the phone rang. "What do you want?" I answered.

"Susan? It's you Aunt Alberta. Did you hear about…" She said crying.

"Yes, I did! No one has to remind me!" I shouted.

"You don't have to raise you voice to me! Watch your words. I just wanted you to know that the funeral for your family and my dear son will be next Saturday. Good day." She said nastily slamming the phone down on me.

_What have I done? Everyone hates me. How could this be happening? _

I walked to the kitchen counter and saw a letter lying there. I remembered that Peter had given it to me the week before. I reached for it and started to open it. The letter read:

_My dear sister Susan,_

_I just wanted to write you to tell you how much you mean to me, and how I miss you._

_I love you so much. I know you don't like it when Edmund, Lucy, and I to talk about this, but God loves you more than any of us. _

_Remember how He used to talk to you in Narnia? Aslan, I mean. Do you remember how gentle He was? That's just the way God is. You can't see Him, but He loves you just like Aslan does; for He is both. Aslan died for Edmund. Jesus died for you. He died for you, so you would not have to worry about anything, so you could see Him in heaven. _

_I'm going to ask you one more time. Will you trust Him? Will you believe? Will you accept Him? He loves you more than Himself. He died for you. He rose again for you. You know why? Because He loves you and wants the best for you… and so do I. Please Susan, accept Him. He is right there by you. 'Susan dear, come to Me,' He is calling. He died for your sin, and it's never too late. Embrace Him, love Him, trust in Him, and believe Him... He will help you in times of need. He loves you a lot. Please... believe. _

_Lucy, Edmund, and I want you to also know that we have forgiven you for everything. We want to become your best friends. Could you forgive us? Can we move on? I hope we can. We all love you, and are praying for you daily._

_Love,_

_Peter_

Tears were flowing freely down my face and onto the paper. _It's too late Peter. God doesn't love me anymore. I've turned against Him. I'm alone._


	3. The Funeral

**The Funeral**

Saturday came. I didn't want to go, but I knew this was the last chance to say good-bye to my family. The clock chimed nine as I hurried to put on my black v-neck dress. Feeling numb I grabbed my coat and looked outside. _Cloudy and raining. Perfect for a funeral. Sad and dreary; what a great combination. _I thought sarcastically. There was a knock at the door. I opened it to see Uncle Harold.

"Are you ready Susan?" He asked.

"Yes. Let's go." I answered, shutting the door of my apartment.

We walked down to their car. Aunt Alberta was sitting in the front seat crying. She just glared at me as I got in the back seat and then went back to crying. _She must be mad at me for yelling at her. This is turning out to be the worst day of my life. _I sighed and looked out of the window. We drove out into the country and thoughts rushed though my head. _Life is so unfair! Why did this happen to me?_ The rain pattered on the window as the green trees and grassy fields raced by. _Is God punishing me? What did I do to deserve this? _A tear slipped down my face.

We arrived at the cemetery and walked to a tent. A small gathering had formed. It was mostly Aunt Alberta's friends. We hurried in and sat in the front. Six caskets were lined up in a row with white roses on top and a black and white photo on each.

I stared at Mum's picture as a preacher stood up to say something preachy type. Mum looked so peaceful and looked so radiant that you couldn't help but stare. Dad's picture was back from when he went to war. He looked strong and fierce, but gentle and kind.

They had picked out a really handsome picture of Peter. His face looked like that of a leader and was happy with a lock of hair falling down the right side of his face. Lucy's picture mirrored her sweet personality, and innocence in her smile. Eustace's photo looked like the smart and kind boy that he had been the past few years. Last of all I laid my eyes on Edmund's picture. He looked perky, and his smile looked like he was going to burst out laughing.

I had been denying this, the moment I found out. I couldn't deny it any longer. It was true. Real. I couldn't hold it in any longer all my tears came flooding out in sobs. Everybody stared at me because the preacher was in the middle of his speech.

I walked quickly out of the tent, and down the muddy lane. I stared up into the sky, rain streaking my face. _Why? Why did this happen? Why was I left here alone? Why did I have a family just to lose them? Why didn't I ask forgiveness a week ago; when we all got together? Why me? Why? _

I walked off the path and sat on a stone bench under a big maple tree. I didn't care if I was rain soaked, muddy, or that my eyeliner was slipping down my face. I just wanted my family back. I looked at the grave next to me. It read: _Jill Pole, dancing with her King. April 2, 1933 – August 30, 1952._

_Jill. Eustace's 'Sweetheart.' At least, I teased them about being sweethearts. They got a little annoyed with it as I remember. Oh, why did this happen? _I thought wearily.

"There you are Susan!" Aunt Alberta said sharply, walking towards me, with an umbrella in her hand. "We were about to leave without you!"

"Uh…sorry Aunt Alberta. I just needed some time alone." I replied.

"Well come along." She said. We walked back to the black car in silence, both thinking our own thoughts.

"I'm going back to the tent." I said, as we neared the vehicle.

"No, you're not! Come on." She snapped replied.

"Alberta, let Susan have some space. She can go for a few minuets." Uncle Harold said cutting into the argument. He nodded and looked at me sympathetically.

I ran back up the slope and slowly entered the tent. I just stood there in silence. _Is there going to be no end to this torture? Will my broken heart ever heal? I just wanted my life to be perfect! No pain, no sorrow, just a fun filled life. Is that so hard? I don't get it at all!_

I felt my life falling to pieces at that point. I laid my head down on my beloved brother, Edmund's casket, and wept. About five minutes later Uncle Harold touched my shoulder.

"Susan? It's time to go."

I lifted my head and wiped my tears away. I looked back at the caskets as we walked to the car. _Good-bye, my dear family._


	4. Breaking Free

**Note: First, thanks for all the reviews! : ) Secondly, I'm not sure how long this story is going to be. I may add another chapter or another five chapters. I have new inspiration for this story so I pretty sure this _will not_ be the last chapter!** **: ) Thanks for being so supportive! By the was this has only been edited once, and I wrote half of the story today! Apologies if there are mistakes! : )**

**Breaking Free**

The next morning I thought about all that had happened in the past week.

_I lost my family, cousin, best friend, and boyfriend. What else could I lose? _I thought, sitting in the big soft chair. _Is there any hope?_

_No, no there is no hope._ A voice whispered to my mind.

_Yes! There is hope, dear Susan! _Another voice screamed.

_Help! Someone help me! Who will help me? _My mind cried.

_Aslan…Aslan. _The word echoed in my thoughts throughout the morning.

I somehow remembered that Elisabeth had called. _Maybe she could help me and could answer some of my questions. _

I picked up the phone and dialed her number.

"Hello?" A sweet female voice said.

"Elisabeth? It's Susan." I answered uneasily.

"Oh hey! I just got back from church. What do you need?"

"I have some questions. Could you come over for a bit?" I asked.

"Sure. I will be there in about fifteen minutes. See you soon." She replied and hung up.

I straightened up the living room until I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door to see Elisabeth. Her cheeks were rosy from the cold and she had a bright smile. She came in and we sat in the living room. Suddenly, the story just spilled out of my mouth.

She kept quiet until I asked her, "Does God really love me, and did Jesus really die for me?"

"Yes, He died for you to show how much He loves you." She replied calmly.

"Then how could he let my family die?"

"I am not sure. All I know is that He planned how He is going to use this in your life."

"How does He forgive you and how do you get to heaven?" I questioned, considering what she had told me.

"Well, you have to pray and ask Him to forgive you for all your mistakes and wrong doings. You also have to trust in Him, and believe in Him."

Those were just the beginning of my questions. We talked for hours. She explained what Jesus did with his life on earth, and she also told me what God had promised His people.

"It is late, you should probably go home." I finally said glancing at the clock.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'll call you if I have any more questions."

"Alright. Good-night, Susan." She said as she got on her brown dress coat and black high heels. After she left I got in bed and tried to sleep. I slept fitfully all night, and my dreams were disturbed.

For weeks, I pondered what she had said. _Could this really be true? Could my life be changed? Will I feel better, and live a different life? Do I want to take this drastic step?_

My heart ached, and I longed for someone to love me. I didn't want to buy into Christianity because I was afraid that I would be tied down to the religion.

_Why couldn't my family be here to help me? Why did I lose everything I loved?_

Over the next month, Elisabeth was a true friend to me. We went out to dinner, and got to know each other fairly well. I often called her for encouragement, and she always gave me hope.

--

"So what did you think about the play?" Elisabeth asked as we walked out of the theater one night.

"The play was incredible! I just love Rose Ashland. She is such a great actress." I replied.

"I know. She is excellent! Do you want to walk down to the Tea Table Café?"

"Sure. I would love a cup of tea right now. It's pretty chilly." I answered rubbing my arms as the cool air nipped at them.

We walked into the small café, and sat down at a round table near the window. The café was cozy, and was a frilly place. White lace curtains were draped over the silver curtain rods, and the walls were painted a pale pink. A lace tablecloth, fresh flowers, and a few candles added a nice touch to each table. We placed our order, and started discussing the play.

"The little boy who played Thomas was so cute! His dark brown hair was perfect, and he had an adorable smile!" I sigh happily.

"I agree, he was charming, and so funny. The plot was so intense! I thought Gloria was going to die; until the Prince ran into save her." She replied, sipping her black tea.

"That scene was quite exciting, and romantic."

"Are you doing anything Sunday?" Elisabeth inquired, changing the subject.

"I don't think so. Why?"

"I was just wondering if you wanted to come to church with me, and have a picnic in the park after the service." She asked cautiously.

"Uh… what time does the service start?"

"Ten."

"Well…don't count on me coming. I like to sleep in on Sundays." I said ineptly.

"That's fine. I was just thought..." She said her voice fading. We finished our tea silently, said farewell, and went home.

--

Sunday morning I woke up at Eleven O'clock, and thought about Elisabeth. _Maybe I should have gone. I think I kind of disappointed her. I just don't want all those people looking down on me because I don't believe like they do. Why did things have to go like this? _

I sigh as I lit my favorite candle in the kitchen. The vanilla fragrance filled the room, but my heart was still restless. _Why don't I feel at peace? Why do I still feel lonely even though I have a friend? I've never felt this way before! It's not a good feeling. Oh, how I wish my family was here! Why did this happen? If only Aslan were here. He would help me, and comfort me. Maybe...hmm...I guess I'll take the chance._ I decided to change my life. I picked up the phone and called Elisabeth.

_She probably won't answer, she's probably at church. _

"Hello?" Elisabeth's pleasant voice said.

"Hey. This is Susan. I thought you were going to be at church." I replied, tapping my fingernails on the countertop.

"Oh. I just got home. Why did you call?"

"Listen, I'm sorry I didn't go with you to church this morning." I paused.

"No problem."

"Can you come over? I need to talk to you." I said awkwardly.

"I'd love to! I will be there in a bit." She said, and hung up the phone.

I sat tensely on the sofa. _Should I do this? Will I be a different person?_ I started sweating, and shaking. _What is wrong with me? How hard is this going to get?_

I jumped, startled, at the knock on the door. _Show time…_

Elisabeth came in, and we both went into the living room. We sat there in silence. _She's probably waiting for me to say something. _

My thoughts raced, and I argued with myself. _What should I do? _I asked myself over and over again.

Finally, I decided to cross the bridge.

"Elisabeth? I would like to ask Asla... I mean God's forgiveness… how do I go about it?" I said clumsily.

She just stared in shock at me for a moment. Then she seemed to recover, and said, "You pray and Jesus to come into your life and heart. Do you want me to help you?"

"No, no. I would like to do this myself.' I took a deep breath and started, 'Dear Jesus, I've been putting this off for a long time. Please forgive me for everything. Come into my heart. Please…love me. Help me. I miss my family so much! Heal my broken heart…uh…thanks. Amen." I prayed tears dripping into my lap.

I looked up at Elisabeth. Tears glistened in her eyes.

"Thanks for everything." I said and burst into fresh tears.

"Are you alright?" She asked, concerned.

"Yes! Yes! My heart has never felt like this before! I feel loved, at peace, and my heart is as light as a feather!" I exclaimed. _All my burdens are gone! _

Suddenly, I started laughing like I had never laughed in the nine-teen years that I lived. _Is this joy possible? _I wondered.

"I'm so glad! I have been praying for you for such a long time!" Elisabeth replied with a giggle escaping her lips. Soon, her giggles turned into a pure joyful laugh.

I was on my feet in a moment, and embraced her warmly. Laughing and crying at the same time. _I'm free... my chains are gone._


End file.
